Mhmm, i don't feel like it.

In this world, I feel displaced, as if I don't belong to this generation. Imagine the curse of misfortune shadowing every step—whether in games, studies, love, or even sleep. It’s like drifting through life without truly living, burdened by the weight of unrelenting bad luck. It’s not that I don’t wish to savor life; it’s that I simply can’t. I dwell in Jordan, a place I loathe, dreaming of vanishing into solitude, where I could bear only my own burdens. Life here grinds me down, a relentless tide of stress and exhaustion, leaving me in a strange limbo—neither joyful nor sorrowful, just steeped in a quiet unhappiness. Sometimes, I wish for tears, for the flood that would let me feel alive once more.

This generation demands we 'vibe,' smoke, indulge in fleeting lusts, grow cold hearts, curse, steal, and fight to survive. But that’s not me. My heart remains soft, pure in its core. I refuse to bend to a life that feels sick, hollow, and unworthy. In my search for vitality, I cling to small comforts—PUBG, solitary walks, music that soothes the soul, Netflix and YouTube’s escape, and the silent companionship of my bike. That bike has become my truest friend, taking me to places where no one else can see me. In the quiet of night, I sit in the darkness, sometimes in tears, sometimes lost in music, fighting to push away the shadows. Each morning I wake, hoping to outrun the stress, finding some reprieve in the gym—though it helps only briefly. I strive to stay on the right path, avoiding temptations, harming no one, holding tight to who I am without yielding to the pressure to conform.

Yet, despite my efforts, I feel I’ve failed to find my place in this time. From the moment I leave my door to the moment I return, I’m met with disappointment in the faces and hearts of those around me. I loathe this land—its people, its culture, its crushing weight. Here, finding work feels like chasing after gold in barren sands. I try my hand at freelance photography, hoping it grants me enough until I can afford better tools. And today—Thursday, July 18, 2024—feels like every other day, a silent prayer for change, a quiet yearning to escape.